I’d Do Anything for Love (Butt I Won’t Do That)

Although this post’s title may be aging me, I’ve wondered if a 2020 Meat Loaf comeback would be a symbol of hope or just another tragedy for America this year.  

The past eight months have been like a twisted game of Red Rover. We toggle between the fear of what’s barreling toward us and the trust in breaking through the bullsh*t—while the gym class bully is making new rules. 

I appreciate the little escapes now more than ever. You know that “I really needed this today” feeling when you see a great meme on someone’s Instagram? I’ve recently had the same experience when exploring potential writing gigs on Upwork, the freelancing marketplace that helps professionals find the right individual for their project. 

Upwork presents the expected-yet-still-frustrating opportunities (such as Blog writing for $.01 per word). But, when sifting through the rubble, some job descriptions have surprised me with a melodic interlude to these dark times—and it has nothing to do with money. 

So, in addition to my pursuit of Semi-Pleasant Wife/Mother, I’ve found another calling: to identify these Upwork gems and share them.  

Three Upwork jobs caught my eye, the first of which inspired the title for this post.

Job 1: Insert Your Butt Pun Here

Job description for hemorrhoid website article

I could write this article, but I don’t think I’m qualified to provide the solutions still well-after giving birth. Serious question—Do they want applicants to include their personal experience in the cover letter? Combatting the hemorrhoid stigma is a great cause for my next 5k run.  

My conclusion: Errrbody get your cream, and kudos to those who can say that they are a published hemorrhoid author.

Job 2: Like Yoda, in Need of Someone to Talk

Job description for telling jokes in a Yoda voice

I’ve never watched an entire Star Wars movie (or even half of one for that matter). Yet, for a quick $25, I’ll review some clips and try it out. I empathize with this client, who likely listened to several unqualified applicants via Zoom do their best Yoda.

My conclusion: There’s a job out there for everyone, and I need to advance my skillset. 

Job 3: The Mysterious Cloth

Job description for cloth product to protect fingers

I have so many questions here. Is it a classic mitten that they’d like to turn into a glove? Perhaps the “more professional” look they seek is a simple upgrade from cotton to leather. I respect safety measures, and if we can’t keep our fingers safe, what can we protect? I’m going to go hug my daughter now.

My conclusion: Glove up.